This last Friday, I took off to meet up with Melissa Van Winsen-Heuton and Erin Schneider-Smith in Branson for the weekend. This is MY version of the story, told with the aid of some photos and wildly edited to protect MY innocence while totally incriminating those other two yahoos. Some of these photos are actual photos from the weekend and others are completely fabricated. It's up to you to decide which is which.

Here we go.....

The trip down there was fairly uneventful, but it does take over 6 hours to get there, and I am not really comfortable driving in heavy traffic areas. I left around 5:00 after working all day.

There was some of this on the way down:

 



And a lot of this: (mostly directed at me from angry motorists)

 

I had booked my hotel room online before I left Champaign-Urbana. Erin lives in Springfield, Missouri, and I planned to stay an hour away in Lebanon and then drive the last hour in the morning. I booked at a Days Inn and got a great rate. Turns out there was a reason for this:


It was a VERY old Days Inn (circa 1901)


 
I had to cross through a landmine of construction to get there....

 
And there was semi truck parking next door.

The inside of the hotel wasn't much better. I had something kind of living in the bottom of the toilet bowl that I couldn't flush away. I had to lay towels in the bottom of the shower because it had built in dirt treads, and there were a LOT of unidentifiable stains on the carpet and furniture. If you were to shine one of those special lights in the bathroom that detects stains, I am sure it would probably have looked like this:




But because it was so late, I decided to suck it up and stick it out. I got up EARLY and got breakfast WAY far away from the roach motel and drove on over to Erin's house.

Arrived at Erin's house around 9:30 Saturday morning and met her and her handsome husband and her son and daughter:


 

I also met her dog Millie, who was a doll.

 

We jumped in Erin's truck and headed off to Branson to meet Melissa at Silver Dollar City. Along the way, I was surprised to see one of these on the side of the road. I guess I always just through they were only in Texas and those areas.





More about our little friend later.

We arrived at Silver Dollar City, which if you have never been there, is absolutely beautiful. Some pictures of SDC....

 



 





Erin and I walked around and sampled some good food and checked out the candy store. I picked up some exotic jerky and some souvenirs and Erin talked me into riding the Powderkeg. 0-53 miles per hour in 2.8 seconds. Uh...right. I do have an actual picture of us on that ride, but I was threatened with bodily harm if I show it to anyone. So, imagine us looking like this, only way hotter and in color.


 

After we all left Silver Dollar City, we went to check into our hotel. This hotel was WAY better than the Days Inn and the bathroom was pretty darn clean. Thank God. Erin has a little bit of a weak stomach and every time you mention something gross, her eyes water and she gets goosebumps!

After getting settled in, we went to Montana Mike's for dinner and cocktails:

 

The food was awesome, the drinks were delicious and the conversation was great. After dinner, we headed down to Branson Landing to do some walking, talking and shopping:

 

While we were there, I did get a new briefcase - Branson style:

 

That's another thing about Missouri, especially this area. There are a lot of these people:

 

And some of these:


 

And a WHOLE lot of people who love Jesus.

 

While we were at the Landing, we did some unspeakable things to a mannequin.

 

And by WE, I mean ME. But that picture seems to be missing. Fancy that.

After we did all the damage that we could legally do at the Landing, we returned to our hotel room.

My birthday was March 24th and Melissa's was April 4th and Erin surprised us with a birthday cake:

 

Is that not the coolest thing EVER???? They were our 8th grade pictures! I almost cried. Thank you again Erin, that was so thoughtful. She also brought a couple of bottles of booze in a cooler. Now, THAT was thoughtful!!!

After we had cake and booze, we mostly sat around and prayed:

 

Um...yeah. There are SO many things that I would like to say here, but we all pinky-swore that we would never speak of that night again out loud. So...moving on.

Sunday morning we all had breakfast at Cracker Barrel and then Erin and I parted ways with Melissa and headed back to her house to get my car. Along the way, we drove past our old friend Mr. Armadillo (see earlier reference). Erin was kind enough to pull over so I could take a picture, because that is how I roll. I am the Uber-Tourist.

 


Erin and I stood there discussing the lovely shade of green on his belly and then after commenting on how he was robbed when it came to his "equipment" I heard Erin on the side of the road gagging rather loudly. Fog-horn like almost.

Then a shrill voice: "Tiffany!!! Get in the truck - REEETTTTTTCHHHH"

"Tiffany!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Get in the God #$@% truck right now!!!!!!! BLECCCCCCCCCHHHH"

I almost peed my pants laughing at her, but the poor thing really did almost toss her cookies all over the side of the road.

This is Erin leaving the scene:

 

I cannot even begin to tell you what a good time I had. I tried to hold on to Erin's leg when it was time to leave, but she wasn't having it. I broke away and ran back into her house, but eventually I was subdued and sent back to Illinois:

 


Thank you to Melissa for hooking us up with the hotel room and the passes to Silver Dollar City. I will try not to make fun of you for having to dress like this:

 

And thank you to Erin for the beautiful cake, the wonderful birthday dinner and the gifts. You are so cute...even if you do have a tiny bit of a weak stomach!

Seriously though. The trip was a blast, the company was fantastic and we laughed so hard and had such a good time that it really was hard to go home.

I did want to impart some final wisdom that I learned from the hill folk during my stay:

1. It's considered tacky to take your cooler to church.
2. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
3. Even if you are SURE you are included in the will, it's in poor taste to take a U-Haul to the funeral.
4. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
5. Do not allow the dog to eat from the table, no matter how good his manners are.
6. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private, using ones OWN car keys.
7. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
8. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
9. Be aggressive. Let them know you are interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
10. When sending your wife down the road with the gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.